Fireproof

If you haven't seen Fireproof yet and you're married, put it at the top of your date-night list. You have a date-night list, right? If not, go see the movie anyway. You'll get the equivalent of a marriage course in a two-hour story.

If you haven't heard, Fireproof has been storming across America, surprising many with its ticket sales. Sherwood Baptist Church in Albany, Georgia has issued three movies now. The first, Flywheel, was a small-budget film that was followed by Facing the Giants. Giants did surprisingly well in the theaters, providing some of the capital for a bigger-budget ($500,000) production this time in Fireproof.

But co-producers Stephen and Alex Kendrick see Fireproof as a ministry, just like the earlier movies. And this one is about strengthening a marriage.

Professional actor Kirk Cameron plays Caleb, a firefighter with a marriage about to end. His father begs him to try a series of activities, laid out in a book The Love Dare, in a last-ditch attempt to save his marriage.

Cameron, a committed Christian, is the only professional actor in the movie, although some surprisingly good performances are given, especially by Erin Bethea who plays Caleb's wife, Catherine.

Fireproof is definitely a movie to see.

A few things I didn't care for:

• The screenplay needed one more edit. It is rather uneven, with some very good dialogue and imagery laid against some cliched-laden conversations.
• A movie should show but we had to sit through some sermons by Caleb's father. The father gave a strong gospel pitch - which was good - but there was a lot of telling rather than showing in that. I can imagine ways of showing the power of the cross.
• I was slightly bugged by the fact that The Love Dare was written by the Kendricks. There's the hint of self-promotion in that.

But the value in Fireproof is far greater than the shortcomings. See it soon with your spouse and bring along some tissues. It's an emotional, moving voyage through the dying throes of a marriage.

We met wnen? part 2

I continue my story at Lord of the Ringless today. Come on over for the rest of the story.

We met when?

I’d start at the beginning but I can’t remember when we first met as he was married at the time and I was not. We were members of the same church and attended many Bible study groups together. For years I taught his children in Vacation Bible School and Sunday school.

For the rest of the story, link to Lord of the Ringless, where I'm guest-blogging today. Thank you, Denise, for the invitation. It's been great working with you!

In our image

After two days of stories, you may believe me: my husband and I are different.

But that’s not my point. My point is this: we can love someone unlike ourselves. And we can receive love from someone unlike ourselves.

In the beginning, God said, "Let us make man in our image…”[1] Notice the us in the words. That’s Trinity understanding right there, the concept of the Persons of the Deity.

So we see plurality within unity in the trinity. God intended relationships to reflect both those values at the same time. When we expect a marriage to be harmonious – both agreeing always– we lose the image of God’s plan for marriage.

Marriage reflects God’s view of relationship. Even when we come to God, we don’t meld with him like the Borg idea. We retain our individuality, because that’s God’s image of relationship. We are changed by his presence, but we don’t disappear.

We learn how to love when we are different. We can love something unlike ourselves – and shout. Whether physical/spiritual, male/female, leader/follower, organized/scattered… we can love and be loved by others unlike ourselves. We need to learn and understand that. Love isn’t based on harmony but on the choice to love.

God saw all that he had made, and it was very good.

Gen 1:31

---

[1] Gen. 1:26

Shopping for drills

“Do you know how different you two are?” That was the concern from a mutual friend as Matt and I progressed toward marriage. We did, but in the fog dreamy mist of engagement, we focused on what we had alike.

We both loved God, went to the same church, had the same ideas on budgets and family. I’m still pondering modern dating services which brag about how they bring similar people together for a potentially long-term romance. Help me with this. It’s important to share hobbies and values but is marriage based on being alike?

Many years ago, I had romantic ideas about going shopping with my new husband meandering hand in hand through the mall comparing colors and styles, chatting about fabrics and combinations. You know where this is going.

He didn’t meander through malls. Shopping was more like competition with him, clicking a stopwatch to see just how fast he could grab something off a shelf. He conquered shopping lists.

Unless we were shopping Home Depot. Then meandering hand in hand was OK. But how many styles of drills are there, anyway?

Then there’s the way we make decisions. He hasn’t met a detail that doesn’t deserve his attention. To me, a detail has value only if it fits the goal. Before we leave on vacation, he thinks through every scenario and packs accordingly. Me, I think the probability is slim that the motorhome’s alternator will fail.

Guess who looks good when the alternator goes out?

He’s bailed me out of many messes because of his preparedness. I’ve re-focused his planning when he’s mired in details.

We’re not alike.

But my life is full, richer, safer, better because of his differences. Not in spite of, but because of.

Tomorrow, I’ll tell you why.

Tomorrow: In Our Image

Sunburns and bicycles

Call me crazy, but looking at my sunburned hand made me think about my marriage. Well, it wasn’t really sun-burned, it was a pilot burn, and, well, maybe I’m not quite as independent as I think.

Let me explain.

We’re fixing up a rental house in a town about 90 miles from home. My husband is Mr. Construction, very practical, and if it’s related to buildings, he knows it. Did I mention that he's is in Mexico on a mission trip?

Did I mention the furnace in this rental house? It keeps going out so we show up to a cold house.

“Do you want me to tell you how to light the pilot?” he asked on our phone call a few nights ago.

Of course. I’m on this rental-house-fixing-up team and want to get a lot done while he’s gone. I take mental notes as he describes the process.

Did I mention that I’m a visual learner? I’m trying to visualize the process, because it isn’t a normal pilot-light process. I know that process. Well, I did know before we got married. I haven’t lit a furnace since. But I could, I’m sure.

After entering the cold house, I went confidently down to the basement. He’d be proud: I’d even remembered the matches. I found the auto/manual button just as he’d said.

Hold on a second. There isn’t some pilot-light police that you’ll be reporting this to, is there? Do not read on if you’re of that bend. Pretend I called the $75/hour guys at the hardware store. (Did I mention that I’m cheap, too?)

OK, I turned the manual button and I heard the gas hiss just like he said. Great! All according to plan. I struck the match, lit some newspaper so I didn’t have to get too close, and pushed the flame into the furnace.

BOOM! There was a flash of flame and then quiet.

Yes! That pesky pilot light was dancing away. You see? I’m pretty capable.

While I’m thinking how well I can help out in this whole maintenance area, my kids come rushing down. They’d heard the noise and expected to find me pasted to the back wall, smoke oozing from my ears.

Assured I was fine, and very capable of lighting a silly little pilot light, they started giggling. Seems I had this frizzled curly hair on the side of my head. And then I noticed that my left hand had these slightly red spots, like a light sunburn.

A pilot light burn.

I’ll tell him tonight. He’ll be concerned and relieved I’m still alive.

That’s the value of marriage. I might think I’m this independent, capable partner but where would I be without him? He doesn’t write stories but he can light a furnace.

I’ve heard feminists declare that a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle. I’m pretty independent and adventurous, but I can tell them that their fish never knows when it might need a bicycle.

Tomorrow: shopping for drills

The date night

Last week, Matt needed some nails for a project and headed for his pickup to run to the hardware store. “Want to come?” he asked me.

I hopped in with him. No time for makeup or perfume. Just grabbed a jacket and away we went. We talked about his work schedule, the next construction project he had planned, the shipment of supplies coming in.

At the hardware store, he showed me a new tool he’d like to buy soon. “It’d save me a lot of time but it’s expensive,” he said.

On the way home, he whipped into McDonalds. “Want an ice cream cone?” We licked ice cream and leaned over the Clorox-damp plastic table before heading home.

We counted that as a date night. My friend is married to a farmer, so she counts times when she rides the combine with him during harvest as a date night. It's hot and dirty but they're together.

Once I grumbled: how could he not find time for his family? For me?

I have a book about creative date night ideas. I wondered why he couldn’t read that, so we’d go do exciting things like fly kites together under the stars.

But when I read the one about catching frogs and having a frog-jumping contest, I decided these were not meant for real people anyway.

I decided to pitch the attitude and get to know my husband’s world. It means going to hardware stores and talking about power tools but he held my hand all the way home and shared his heart. Not a bad date night, all in all.

The giver

Pulling out his pocketknife, Dan sliced through the Christmas wrap, careful to run the blade along the edge of the box. Probably a dress shirt in the latest color. Too light for the wrenches I asked for. No chance it’s a new work shirt.

He freed a sweater from its box and smiled at his wife, holding it up in front of him. “This looks warm!” he said broadly. “And the color matches my eyes, right?”

Sue laughed at him. “It makes you look so handsome! It goes with that blue shirt I gave you for your birthday. It’s cashmere!”

Dan laid the sweater back in the box and watched his daughter open her gift, planning his next trip to the tool store. Now that Christmas was over, he could go get the wrenches. Wonder if there’d be an after-Christmas sale on flannel shirts? What was cashmere anyway?

As Sue carefully removed the paper from Dan’s gift to her, she radiated joy. Candles! A weekend getaway to the spa! Oh, and that new blouse she’d shown him last week. He must have asked Sarah for the right size.

Finally, she thought. One year he’d bought her an iron, so proud of all the features. Easy to clean, lightweight so it didn’t hurt her shoulder, great warranty. But an iron? It still hadn’t worn out.

He’d started asking for a list after the washing machine fiasco, but she’d worked him through that, too. Men have lists, with non-gifts like tools or flannel shirts. Women don’t have Christmas lists. That takes the surprise out of it. He just had to pay attention to hints. And see? It had worked this year. He’d heard about the new blouse and now it was hers.

Finally he was seeing how to give a real gift.

Dan, meanwhile, carried his sweater into the bedroom. Did he hang it up or stuff it in a drawer? He couldn’t wear it to work and he hoped he didn’t forget to wear it sometime to church, so Sue could see it. The kids had bought him some cologne and he put it on the sink in the bathroom. He had to remember to wear that sometime, too, when they were around so they could smell it.

He changed into work clothes. Sue’s car needed an oil change and then he would fix Justin’s door, where it stuck on the striker plate. Sue wanted a shelf in the closet and he could get that put up today, too. He’d try to pick up the wrench set later in the week, before he changed out the brakes on Sue’s car. He’d noticed the back step was slick. Sue had nearly fallen on the ice the other day. He had an idea on how to re-route the gutter so water didn’t drip on the sidewalk.

Good thing Sarah had clued him in on the spa idea. He sure didn’t get this gift-giving stuff.

Enchanted... or not

My favorite childhood movie was Sleeping Beauty. Sitting in the dark movie theatre, I remember being transported (and this was way before Star Trek days) to another world. I bought into the chipmunks and bluebirds who harmonized alongside the beautiful maiden with the voice of a 35-year-old.

There were no weeds or dripping moss in the forest, only a willing owl to dance until the prince wandered onto the scene. The witch was thoroughly evil, the prince pure to his toenails. Tue love’s kiss won out in the end and everyone lived happily ever after.

If you hung on the Disney fantasies, you ought to check out their new movie, Enchanted. Just the park scene, where Giselle enlists a wedding group and construction workers to a song-and-dance, will stir your heart – or your laughter.

But just like Giselle met Robert, who had both feet planted in reality, so I have a 12-year-old son who tagged along to see Enchanted, which is a consummate chick flick. He didn’t get it.

What a shock.

But he did insist on watching Sleeping Beauty, to get some context. Or to get out of some schoolwork. I’m still not sure which.

He wasn’t two minutes into the movie, where the camera pans across the beautiful green kingdom before zooming in on the massive castle, when his commentary began. “Who’d watch this?” he asked. He was especially disgusted with Prince Phillip abandoning his betrothed for a girl he met in the forest. “He doesn’t even know her!” he snorted. Informed that I had first seen this movie at his very age (thinking this would connect somehow), he said, “How old is this movie anyway?”

I keep thinking that his someday wife will appreciate the fact that he’s been around chick flicks and dreamy-eyed women.

We read Ephesians 6 this week, where it tells husbands to be like Christ to their wives, and my son thinks those are better pointers for him than can be found in Sleeping Beauty and Enchanted. Maybe I am making progress?

Rejoicing in the bridegroom

Anticipation and joy were clearly etched on Matt’s face in the photo. A friend gave us the picture after our wedding. She’d captured Matt’s expression as he walked down the aisle after the ceremony and I treasure that snapshot.

A bridegroom celebrates his bride and rejoices in the marriage.

Yesterday, we talked about the Samaritan woman as a bride of Christ. I want to point out some other interesting parallels in the early part of the book of John.

Jesus’ first miracle, the famous turning water into wine at Cana, happened at a wedding. In the midst of the celebration, the wine ran out. The festivities were about to end on a lack of planning but Jesus supplied abundant excellence, allowing the celebrating to continue. There are many other images in the story, but this wedding thread is an interesting one.

And the thread works its way into the next chapter, where John the Baptist describes Jesus as the bridegroom. John the Baptist understands his own role, as a friend of the groom celebrating the marriage.

He who has the bride is the bridegroom. The friend of the bridegroom, who stands and hears him, rejoices greatly at the bridegroom's voice. (John 3:29)

Finally, the thread continues into John 4. In John 2, we see Jesus as an outsider blessing a wedding celebration with abundance and new life. In John 3, John the Baptist describes Jesus as the bridegroom. It’s in this context that John expresses his need to decrease while Jesus increases.

That increase fully blossoms with the encounter at the Samaritan well. Jesus is no longer onlooker but bridegroom.

This marriage imagery is no accident. The author, John, weaves a rich fabric using such threads. We are drawn to the wedding metaphor. Imagine Jesus as the bridegroom beaming with joy and anticipation.

From the Cana wedding to the Samaritan revival, John has shown how Jesus’ ministry is about life. And the description escalates: not just the life of a wedding celebration, but about eternal life.

Whoever believes in the Son has eternal life. (John 3:36)

Even the knowing has escalated. Where the Cana wedding miracle was done in sight of a few servants, the Samaritan woman proclaimed Jesus to her community. Many followed him as their divine bridegroom.

The Bridegroom rejoices in us. Many are the gifts he showers on us. How does the bride respond?

May your day be filled with joy and with John’s declaration:

“That joy is mine, and it is now complete.”

John 3:29

Marriage: the battle

The news was hollow, empty, black and white where we wanted color and song.

“I’ve had enough,” she told her family and walked out the door.

The world looks like carnival mirrors, all distorted and unrecognizable. How could this be?

They are our friends, a couple we have respected for many years. They both have a passion for Jesus and a love for their children.

Their pain haunts me daily. I have no answers, not even a need to analyze my way through to one. I feel their disappointment, the ache in their hearts in this brokenness.

I know another couple thrashing about in the muck of infidelity. Their marriage didn’t fulfill like the lure of other arms. Now they wrestle: can trust be rebuilt?

A young woman has moved in with her boyfriend. There is no desire in her heart to marry, however. She sees the sorrow of marriage as inevitable.

We still value marriage in our culture. Why else would homosexuals be demanding its right? But we have seen the smashed remains so often that many are afraid of giving it a try.

And yet the thought that there really are no permanent covenants looms like a black hole. As we follow Jesus, we embrace the image of unbroken covenant. But even unbelievers want to think that some things are permanent. They are not willing to toss aside marriage as an archaic custom. It is a bond, a permanency that our hearts crave for.

Please pray for marriages. Pray for your own, for your pastor’s, for your friends. This is a battlefield and we must be warriors. What God extended to us must not be plowed under.

Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."

Matt 19:6

Marriage: God's faithfulness

I had a nightmare once at 18, where I woke up with heart pounding and sweat pouring. In my dream, I was 28 and unmarried. I could imagine nothing worse and consoled myself with the fact I had 10 years. Surely I’d find a husband by then.

Did I tell you I was a late bloomer?

I was well past 28 before God opened that door. But this isn’t a story about loneliness or defeat, but about God’s faithfulness.

The year before I married, I met a nice Christian man. We dated, we laughed, we went for long walks on the lakeshore. I thought, finally.

God said, end this relationship.

I’m ashamed to say that I argued with God for two months. I was sure that I was giving up children at very least if I obeyed. Perhaps I’d find a husband some day but it’d be too late for children.

But you know that weight that comes from disobedience? Either you get so numb you quit noticing or you finally do what you’re told.

I finally followed. The break came in December, making it a hollow holiday season.

Then Matt called, asking if he could stop by to talk to me. A tiny ember of hope glowed. Maybe he was calling about a date?

No. His parents, who had moved in with him to care for his children, had been in a car wreck while on a holiday trip. He had to bring them home. Could I stay with his children while he was gone?

Sure. I knew then I had reached the end of it. I couldn’t even tell when a guy was going to ask me out. I knew the gift of singlehood was mine.

If you were here last week, you know the end of the story. After the rescue mission, he called me again. And this time, we did set up a date.

Today I have a precious husband and six wonderful children, all of whom call me “Mom.” I treasure the family God gave me. God was faithful to me and his path was better than any of my plans. As always.

For the LORD your God is a merciful God; he will not abandon or destroy you.

Deut 4:31

The wind of prayer

Ours is a different love story. He was a widower with four children and I was a long-time career gal. We had known each other for several years through our church. I’d worked on committees with his wife. We’d been in Bible studies together and I’d taught his kids in Sunday school. After his wife's tragic death in a car accident, we discovered we shared many values and we wanted to sail to the same destination.

For quite a while, I’d sometimes wake up in the morning and think, I’m married to him? Always before, he had been someone’s husband.

We came home from our honeymoon to four children, ages 4 to 15. Keep in mind that I had left single life – and my house – behind while he had suffered the loss of his wife in a tragic car accident. Then, three months later, I got pregnant. Shortly after that, the older kids decided it wasn’t all that fun to have a step-mother and could we just unwind everything? Sometimes it felt like a blizzard of emotions.

The teenager was testing her wings while the youngest just wanted a mommy and I would do, even if I didn’t have any training. I quit my job so I could be home with him and learn how to be a mommy before the baby came. Hormones were like wind to my sails, tossing me on the waves.

We survived that first year of marriage. I’ll tell you why. God brought us together and covered us with the prayers of our friends and family. I have never been as clear on God’s leading as I was in accepting Matt’s proposal. And, when things got hard and I didn’t understand, I clung to that word from God, his answer to my specific prayers.

We knew that our church family prayed for us daily. Those prayers were like a gentle breeze correcting our ship day to day. The winds of conflict were intense but not as regular as the daily breath of communion with God.

Lessons we learned? Pray in marriage and pray for marriages. Matt insisted we prayed before he left for work and before we fell asleep at night. I suspect that when we earnestly pray, we are less willing to let go.

We celebrated 17 years of marriage in May. We're still sailing to the same destination. We still start and end each day in prayer and we still ask God to make this a union of three. And we know that he is faithful.

He has taken me to the banquet hall,
and his banner over me is love.

Song 2:4 (NIV)

Skunks around

A cool night breeze floated into the room, giving the candle a little dance. Notes from Josh Groban filled the air and we tipped glasses of sparkling cider to each other. He looked deep into my eyes and gently said, “I smell skunk.”

I did too, actually.

We gave each other a quick accusing look but moved on. I wondered if the candle had gone bad. He raced to the window to see what the dogs had drug up.

And I got the giggles, thinking of what an amazing analogy for marriage this was.

Often we enter marriage expecting a steady flow of candles and sparkling cider when sometimes what we get is skunk. The mark of a marriage is how we deal with imperfection.

The only thing about creation that was “not good” was Adam’s aloneness. And the only time creation was “very good” was after people received the breath of life.

God honors marriage. Among other things, it is a picture of his covenant with us. The commitment required to walk together through disappointment, misunderstanding, grief – and skunk – gives us an idea of his faithfulness to us.

It amazes me how God works through imperfect people – and we see it clearly in the marriage commitment. Somehow two flawed individuals come together as one with God knitting the two into a unity that is better than its parts.

If you’re married, celebrate what God is teaching you about his commitment through your marriage. If you’re not, celebrate the covenant that God has made to you.

Either way, you see how God values promises. Even when the aroma of the moment is a little unpleasant.

Set me as a seal upon your heart,
as a seal upon your arm;
for love is strong as death,
passion fierce as the grave.

Song 8:6

Dancing with the King

We danced last night. This is not unusual except we hadn’t before. We were at a wedding, the reception under the clear country stars and the music familiar. So we gave it a try, laughing at ourselves and remembering our last dance – in junior high school – and definitely not with each other.

After 17 years of marriage, there wasn’t a fear of stepping on each other’s toes. We’ve done that before. There was instead the freedom to remember the eighth grade embarrassments, the girlfriend he’d invited to the dance floor, the boys who hadn’t grown tall enough yet for me.

God created marriage before sin entered the world; it is not an idea flowing from the fall but flowing from the Creator. God’s original plan for union between a man and a woman involved two sinless people. Notice, however, that he did not nullify marriage once sin marred the Garden. Apparently it is possible to pursue a union involving two sinful people. (Whew)

Marriage is the supreme metaphor for the relationship between God and believer. In the Old Testament, idolatry was paralleled with adultery and, in the New Testament, believers are called the bride of Christ.

God makes covenants. He initiates them and he keeps them to a thousand generations. The covenant of marriage is a natural image of our relationship with God. The very idea of two becoming one is mysterious in reference to a man and woman, but even more mysterious when we think about joining our hearts to the Divine.

Marriage between a man and a woman is never perfect. There’s often stepping on toes. But it gives us a veiled image of the divine idea for union with God: one of love, covenant, provision, passion and uniting.

We are privileged to enjoy the metaphor of marriage – that dance with our spouse – and we plumb the image of dancing as bride of our Savior and our Lord. What a waltz!

I pledged myself to you and entered into a covenant with you, says the Lord God, and you became mine.

Ezek 16:8